Update: My heart is shattered and I am truly in disbelief and angry grieving at the loss of Steve Gray . I admit that I did my typical avoidance dance for a bit this weekend. I respond to stress often by running away or throwing myself into projects. This weekend I didn't have much choice as Rory and I had to go to Lorena for my future brother in law's birthday. I've had my moments of full-on agonizing anger and grief but then having to clean my face and carry on. I tried to k ... eep my emotions in check with the in-laws and we even got some amazing things accomplished. Yesterday Rory and I purchased his wedding band. Today, we ordered my dress and my future sisters also found their bridesmaid dresses and we also decided on the groom and groomsmen attire. The truth is that life goes on. And I know that my emotional tidal wave is about to hit the moment I get a second to sit down. I kept my mind from wondering because it's too much to accept. I just can't. He can't be gone.

I had the most amazing feeling of peace for Steve when he left this earth. I always struggle during times of loss with people reassuring me that the deceased is better off now in heaven and they are watching over us. But seeing, and well...seeing that he clearly wasn't in that hurting body. I was feeling jubilation for him! He is with our Father now!!! Man would he HATE medication and stitches and all of the pain and healing that would need to take place for years before he could ever feel close to normal again. He would be angry at not being able to enjoy his horses because of such a broken body. This is where the heart actually tears to pieces for me. I have pure peace and excitement for Steve's being home with the Lord, but we were not ready for him to go. We, here on Earth are still craving his friendship, his bear hugs, his giant rough hand that he would place on your shoulder until you though your legs would give out. That was his way of telling you he loved you. I am home now. Time to be with my own thoughts and my grieving process. Life will go on. Between hysteria, laughing, joy, anger and sorrow. We will continue to count blessings and love one another.